Love without Sex or Sex without Love?
I know that this question is quite absurd, and tough, to say the least.
But, what would you do, if you had to choose exclusively between the two?
Would you rather choose a life where you have love but no sex, or would you choose a life where you have plenty of sex but no love?
You don’t have to answer that, and neither do I.
Because, I don’t think one is faced with such extremist choices in life – However, it poses as the base of what I want to be talking about today.
When I say, love without sex, I don’t mean zero sex.
What I mean is, that you have found the love of your life, and you are great together. You have a good life, an amazing friendship, trust, love, respect for each other and a great family together. You are a great team with your partner, swerving all of your life obstacles one at a time in absolute perfect sync. You’re really comfortable in each other’s company and even when the both of you are silent, it is highly filling.
What you lack is great sex. Probably you have good sex, too, but there are some dissatisfactions and frustrations when it comes to the bedroom, that you have come to realize.
The tough question is, is it worth it to give up everything great that you have, perhaps even your soulmate, because there is discontent in one single area of your life?
I don’t know. I am not implying.
I don’t have the right answer. But the questions never stop, do they?
Or would you rather be at a point in life, where you have found the perfect partner in bed, where you are extremely satisfied with the right mix of passion and chemistry, camaraderie and cohesiveness, but you don’t really love the person or aren’t able to imagine your cutesy twin toddlers with him?
Again, I don’t know, I am not going to be able to answer.
But, given the amount I know about myself, I would probably still choose option one.
Everyone knows I am hopelessly romantic and I believe that soulmates are rare, and once you find them, you cannot just imagine giving up on them.
But, what confuses me is, if at all, two people are soulmates, how can they have a lack of anything at all, especially something as intimate as love-making?
Does it mean, that good sex is an automatic imperative check-box tick when it comes to finding the right soulmate?
All of these thoughts began taking shape in my mind a week earlier, when I sat on my bed painting my nails and my phone buzzed. It was a good friend of mine who had typed out a long message on Whatsapp for me. Since it seemed serious, I picked up the phone and called her right away.
She is older to me by a couple of years and has been married for a while now.
What she told me, made sense and in some parts, seemed cynical.
She is perfectly happy with her husband, and mind you, both of them are really attractive. They had gotten married to each other after a couple of months of whirlwind romance in college. Everything looked perfect from the outside – The customary Christmas cards from the couple, the vacations in Venetian Islands, and the adorable home they live in, where we got invited a lot to in the last year.
But she confided into me that she gets frustrated when it comes to intimacy with him.
She told me that whenever they make love, it’s great. But, whenever has become the operative word here. According to her, it has been a month since they made love. She also said that, most of the times, she initiates. She’s the one who plans and who tries her best to add spice to their lives.
But over time, she has begun feeling bouts of low self-confidence because the husband doesn’t initiate or take charge.
Everything else is perfect. They love each other a lot and things are amazing.
So, what’s the solution?
Obviously, my friend is not ready to give up. She has spoken to him multiple times in the past years, and the husband says he would make everything better but things are just the same. She has tried to think of reasons – Maybe it is work stress, life stress, or whatever else it is that stops men from thinking about sex. But then, she too has the same levels of stresses in her life – However, that has never stopped her from desiring him or needing the physical affection every woman wants from their partners.
He’s not having an affair. She tells me that she feels that probably he’s not into her any more.
She started crying while saying this.
My friend, who contested for multiple beauty and fashion shows is now deduced to a self-pitying woman with very low self-confidence and high-inhibitions about her body. She just wants him to look at her, and feel the butterflies.
I don’t know the reason for my friend’s problems and I have no solution, because I am not a part of the couple and I can never know the exact equation they share.
My advice to her was to communicate.
Which she already has, she says.
But, since she doesn’t want to choose a life without love, she has no option but to work on her relationship, right?
That brings us back to our question, is sex an important enough element, or a deciding factor when it comes to relationships?
Or, are the other factors such as love, respect, comfort and friendship enough to make up for the lack of intimacy?
Love conquers all, I agree – But, finding the correct level of intimacy with your partner is an essential part of the same expression of love that is supposed to conquer all, correct?
So, it cannot be any less vital a factor than respect or trust – If having no trust is a deal-breaker, lack of intimacy should be too.
However, just like how trust is built over time, there is a possibility that intimacy is built over time too.
Yes, sex with the right partner is expected to be all fireworks, passion, LEDs and stars (an idyllic and clichéd make-believe comprehensively fashioned by media, which now holds a perpetual address in every girl’s wits, and has now become un-erasable), but c’mon, that’s just dramatization.
We all know it gets better with time, and does need hard work.
At the end of the day, the choice is yours, and it is a personal choice, and there is no right or wrong choice.
For some people in relationships, breaking of trust leads to breaking of the relationship itself, whereas, in some, couples are more forgiving and are ready to work hard in renewing their trust and never give up on each other, as they think that they have struck jackpot in their soulmate of a partner.
And for some people in relationships, certain dynamics are non-negotiable.
But, really, think about it.
Is lack of great intimacy really a deal-breaker or is love without the va-va-vroom an acceptable concession in the wake of life’s greatest gift of your numero uno?